resolutions

A year ago the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve felt never-ending. This week has been so busy I’ve barely had time to remember we celebrated Christmas as all. In all the rush there hasn’t been time for me to think about, ponder and dwell on the significance of this week, of my thoughts, hopes and wishes for 2012, the year of the dragon.

Rushing around can have a way of making one feel as though they are moving rapidly and productively toward a goal. It can also have the opposite effect. It can make me feel as though life is running away with me, taking with it the laughter and smiles I was supposed to give and receive, with the contentment I was supposed to feel, with the purpose I thought I spent a long time searching for, discovering and creating.

It’s not to say I am discontented with my life. I know full well that I have freely chosen the life I currently lead, without undue influence or pressure. But it sometimes makes me worried that my whole life will be like this, choosing a worthy goal and quickly tiring of it as the charm wears off, losing heart that my goal had any worth at all and struggling, almost constantly it feels, to stay on task and maintain a good attitude.

But in my heart I know that’s not what life is. True understanding of one’s purpose, a lifestyle of work and play that brings fulfillment, is possible. But I’m young! There’s still so much of the world for me to see and experience. I hardly think it would be normal, let alone healthy, for someone my age to have a clear understanding of his or her lifestyle in terms of the long term.

Even though I have experienced parts of my life that are discouraging or disheartening I realize the importance of a good attitude and humor in all aspects of one’s life. Neither of these are sustainable if they’re superficial. They must be heart-deep.

May the year ahead will be as full of adventure and new experiences as last. May the days ahead hold as much meaning and wonder as the days I spent exploring Europe. May I not take my blessings for granted. May I live my life with purpose and deliberateness. May the noise in my head not drown out the quiet in my heart.

May this New Year bring new blessings, new wonders and renewed hope to you all.

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the Eternal was stirring at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not pinched in a corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but redeemers and benefactors, pious aspirants to be noble clay under the Almighty effort let us advance on Chaos and the Dark.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

you wont like me when i'm...hangry

Hungry + Angry = Hangry. Obviously.

Not quite. It's more that the event of hunger only requires a small catalyst to develop characteristics of anger which result in Hangher.

Just thought you ought to know.

be cool

Happy lessthanaweekuntil Christmas!

There is so much to do, and with only six days left, my family and I are going to be pretty busy! Cookies still need to be baked, shopping for the cooking and presents needs to be done. We don't even have a tree yet! But, like with every busy year, we have a plan and everything that needs to be done will be just that.

Maybe I'm too old for this, but with work it seems like I'll be missing out on a few of the preparations. Even with the craziness and slight stress, the preparation is all a part of the Christmas magic. We don't just do all the work for ourselves, but for our neighbors and family. It's a part of our gift, to invest ourselves in Christmas. When I'm missing it, I feel a little like the kid who has to stay home while all the other kids got to go out and play.

But if I learned anything it was that anything different is not bad, necessarily. Different is, usually, just different. It just takes little time to grow our hearts and embrace the difference. So, this Christmas will be different than the ones I had when I was in highschool. But why shouldn't it be? I'm different too.

shopaholic

Hands down, if there's a shopaholic in my family it's my little sister Anja. At seventeen I can honestly say Anja is beautiful, interesting, thoughtful and smart...and a shopaholic. The only thing that keeps her from this vice is her homework, basketball practice and the fact that she's too young to have a credit card.

While I was in Spain last year, making 250 euro a month with no bills to pay or rent to cover or children to feed, I too became a little bit of a spender. Nothing crazy, just a couple new pairs of shoes, a jacket and some jewelry. To me though, it was a close to being a shopaholic as I'd ever gotten.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anyone...

I'm in Newburyport, looking for things I need for Christmas and a present for my cousin's birthday, when I just felt the urge to check out all the stores. I walked into one and immediately picked up something I wanted to buy. I walked around the store, picking up and putting down a few things. I eventually bought the card I wanted and managed, almost without effort, to make my way to the bookstore. I was in there for less than five minutes when I realized the temptation was too strong. I strode out the door and walked determinedly out of the shop to the library where I could take home as much as I wanted without spending any money.

chatterbox

As a child I was a chatterbox. Today, I remain a chatterbox. Anyone who as met me knows this. I sometimes wonder where that comes from. Some of it definitely insecurity and the need to continue talking to avoid the awkward silences. But some of it does come from the fact that I have something interesting or entertaining to say. I know that there is a time and a place for (almost) everything, but some things just need to be said. Period.

Not to say that I don't understand the value of silence. Silence is golden, I know. It's in silence that realizations, epiphanies and pies are best had. I think the need for noise, for a distraction, is not a positive thing, at least for me. Whether it's plain old nerves or having a bad day or just feeling NQR (Not Quite Right), the need for over-talking and too much enthusiasm must be tempered, balanced. These kinds of situations are the times when it is more important than ever to look inward, take a breath, take a moment to find the silence within and proceed with confidence.

waiting for superman *****

This movie made me realize, more than ever, how incredibly lucky I am to be a Waldorf student and to have gone the the school I did. Education is everything.





I was tired when I walked into CVS after work. It must have showed when I set the DayQuil and EmergenC on the counter to pay. As I left the women said "have a good night! And I hope you feel better!". I was feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment and I so appreciated it.

friends with benefits **

In the last couple days I moved into a chick-flick binge. It's not something I'm very proud of.

Anyway, while on this binge I saw Friends With Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Last summer I saw (and loved) No Strings Attached, with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. It was odd to see two movies with such similar premises come out in the same year, in the same summer, I think. Two friends decide to hookup, a sex-only deal, no emotions, no relationship, no breakfast the morning after. In each these friends learn that just having sex with someone, without any emotional attachment, is a lot harder than they thought.

Anyway, back to the point. As I said, I loved No Strings Attached. Friends With Benefits, not so much. I think for me it was just the quality of the acting, as well as the script, that made Friends With Benefits pale in comparison to No Strings Attached. And with Natalie Portman in that cast, I'm hardly surprised.

For example: Emma Stone, who has this teeny tiny role in the first five minutes of Friends With Benefits, plays the 'crazy girl', the totally needy, annoying ex-love interest of Justin Timberlake. Those first five minutes were my favorite. Emma Stone lit up the screen and cracked me up. After that I was left with Timberlake and Kunis who weren't unfunny, they just didn't make me smile like Stone did.

Needless to say, Friends With Benefits was not my favorite movie, or chick-flick for that matter. Just wanted to let you know.

This is the closest anyone other than me has come to expressing the way I feel about the beautiful, complex, wonderful English language.