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Monday, August 26, 2013

SOLANUM MUTATES, MEETING OF COMMUNITY COUNCIL IN JEOPARDY

This article has been brought to you by Tanaka Fisheries; specializing in the capture and preservation of dolphins and whales since 1603.


A new mutation of the ‘solanum virus’ has overtaken the zombie population currently holding the campus in terror. It appears that the infected are not expiring due to hunger, as was thought to be the case. In addition, certain members of the infected have further mutated and acquired certain immunities to human defenses. One of the infected is becoming immune to the “anti-zombie” darts that survivors are using to hold the horde at bay. Another is able to withstand the powers of the darts for longer, and must be hit three times before it is neutralized.


This development seems to have caused the infected to exhibit somewhat more lively behavior than usual. This is seen in the the pace and pitch of their groaning and moaning, which has increased to a somewhat alarming rate. Witnesses have described the sound as, “Something really gross, kind of like if you took a dolphin with a cold and ran it over or something.”


Tomorrow there is a much-needed meeting of Community Council, and in order to facilitate this gathering, the uninfected have been tasked with escorting the council members to the meeting location. Despite the convoy, council members are apprehensive, “I’m completely terrified to travel to the meeting tomorrow,” Community Council President, Elijah Blanton said. “The new death metal musical act those zekes are putting on isn't helping.”


We will continue to bring you the latest news on the outbreak of the 'solanum virus' as events progress. Antioch College has advised community members to stay inside, wash their hands frequently, do not share food, drinks or cigarettes, get good rest, stay hydrated and practice good self-care.

IN WAKE OF MASSACRE, 21 INFECTED.



This article is brought to you by Smith & Wesson, rugged, reliable firearms.

The sun set last night, red and bloody, on the day of greatest loss to the survivors of the outbreak. Since Patient Zero escaped Saturday morning, at least fifteen people were infected and have joined a growing group of what are now being referred to as “zombies,” or “zekes.”

Despite protest from others within the group it was decided that all the remaining survivors would band together for a mission to search the now abandoned buildings on campus for much needed ammunition and weaponry. While the mission was ultimately successful, 7 of the 17 humans were lost during several clashes with the zombie population during the mission. Already, many have begun describing yesterday's events as a "massacre."

When asked if the sacrifices made during the mission were worth it, Antioch Prepared official, Joshua Lucca responded, “That's a difficult question to answer...We wont forget the sacrifices that those people made, with our better ammunitions we have a better chance of making it...If just one person lives long enough to be rescued because of the better ammunitions, it will have been worth it.”

Some, however, might beg to differ. Hannah Barrueta lost her sister in the massacre. “It’s hard to for me to reconcile the need for more ammo with her death,” she said, “I told her to not go out with the mission, but she wouldn’t listen.”

The count from earlier this afternoon puts the number of survivors at about equal to those who have transformed or died in the process of transformation. As of 2200 hours yesterday, it is estimated that there were 21 zombies and 19 humans remaining.

We will continue to bring you the latest news on the outbreak of the 'solanum virus' as events progress. In the meantime community members are advised to stay inside and wash their hands frequently, do not share food, drinks or cigarettes, get good rest, stay hydrated and practice good self-care.

DAY ONE

Day One of the outbreak is over. The remaining survivors huddled in a Birch around a radio cobbled together from broken parts to hear the news of the fallen, and the encouraging words of Zachary Sullivan, the man who has taken up the banner of leadership for this desperate group.

The count came over, crackly and cryptic, from an unknown location. Ten have fallen to the virus, including Patient Zero. Thirty survive, including five people who were found alive and uninfected earlier this evening.

An unidentified voice filled the quiet kitchen. “We bid farewell to the owners of the following names.”

Emaline-Patient Zero
Yolanda Lee
Coty
Abigail
Alexandra
Alex Campbell
Nick
Julian
Avigail
Saadat

They will be missed.

PATIENT ZERO IDENTIFIED

This article is sponsored by the Sontag Fels Medical Research Facility, creating a healthy future. To apply to be a test subject visit nomnomnom.cdc.gov

It has been confirmed; Patient Zero was Emaline, a member of the class of 2016. When asked about the research for which Emaline gave her life,
the spokesman at the Sontag Fels Research Facility (SFRF) stated, "To release any such information would be a breach of doctor-client confidentiality...We are doing all that we can to isolate the situation, and staff have made Patient Zero a priority. Right now we all must stay calm and give the authorities the time and freedom they need to address the situation."

While the SFRF and Antioch College have not yet designated a red alert, sources have revealed some details about Emaline’s condition. “It was probably very painful,” said Dr. Savita, expert virologist on the faculty at Antioch College.

The ‘solanum virus,’ known as the zombie virus, presents in three stages. In the first, flu symptoms appear within one to two hours of exposure. The second stage is a coma, wherein the transformation into a so-called “zombie” takes place. In the last stage, the infected awaken and immediately begin what Dr. Savita referred to as “hunting,” feeding off the brains of healthy humans. Dr. Savita confirms that although there is no cure, if the infected do not “feed” within 48 hours they will collapse and no longer be a threat.

The ‘solanum virus,’ known as the zombie virus, presents in three stages. In the first, flu symptoms appear within one to two hours of exposure. The second stage is a coma, wherein the transformation into a so-called “zombie” takes place. In the last stage, the infected awaken and immediately begin what Dr. Savita referred to as “hunting,” feeding off the brains of healthy humans. Dr. Savita confirms that although there is no cure, if the infected do not “feed” within 48 hours they will collapse and no longer be a threat.
 

An anonymous source at the SFRF revealed that the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has been notified and expressed “grave concern” about the situation. The CDC declined comment.

We will continue to bring you the latest news on the outbreak of the 'Solanum Virus' as events progress. In the meantime community members are advised to stay inside and wash their hands frequently, do not share food, drinks or cigarettes, get good rest, stay hydrated and practice good self-care.

PATIENT ZERO HAS ESCAPED

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What was thought to be completely safe and cutting edge scientific research has gone horribly wrong. Researchers at the Sontag Fels Research Facility have reported that Patient Zero, an individual suspected of carrying the 'Solanum Virus,' also known as the Zombie Virus, has escaped the facility.


At about 2200 hours last night, security at Antioch College received a phone call from the Sontag Fels Medical Research Facility. While details are still sketchy, what has been confirmed is that the campus survival club, Antioch Prepared, has begun to organize weaponry and is reinforcing all the buildings on campus into what they are calling "safe zones." Although officials at Sontag Fels are positive that Patient Zero will be found and the virus contained before any damage is done, Prepared is taking no chances. "We've been preparing for an event like this for almost the entire quarter," said spokesman Zachary Sullivan. "We're not trying to scare anyone, but the end could be nigh. It's time to prepare ourselves for the zombie apocalypse."


Officials at college are taking a somewhat more carefree approach. Some in the administration and student body have gone so far as to condemn Prepared as fear-mongerers and paranoid. When asked about a contingency plan for the ongoing situation, Antioch College declined to comment, saying that to grace this "so-called zombie apocalypse" issue with a response would give it undue credibility. Nonetheless members of Prepared and the greater Antioch College community have begun to arm themselves with brightly colored, specialized anti-zombie firepower. Others are skeptical, "Why do we need to use violence? why can’t we just reason with Patient Zero?" said Geneva Gano, a professor at Antioch College.


In what is almost certainly an unrelated event, internet connectivity on the Antioch College campus remains intermittent, and the color of tap water remains a murky brown with visible sediment. Authorities have stated that the issues are isolated and will be resolved shortly.

We will continue to bring you the latest news on the outbreak of the 'Solanum Virus' as events progress. In the meantime community members are advised to stay inside and wash their hands frequently, do not share food, drinks or cigarettes, get good rest, stay hydrated and practice good self-care.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Some dumb classmate of mine told my then 13 year old stick-like self, "If you've got it, flaunt it!". Maybe she was looking at her own buxom figure rather than mine, which was once mistaken for a petrified bird of prey.  Or maybe I heard that phrase during a strange, ill-timed encounter with mushrooms in a forest. That leprechaun didn't look like he knew what he was talking about at all.

Anyway, if I may, I'd like to take it upon myself to modify that stupid piece of advice into something slightly less stupid: Flaunt what you've got.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I had just made it out of my lane, sliding and veering onto the properly plowed main road, when I was startled by the noise of a Tyrannosaurus Rex stomping on my back windshield and trunk. Yelling for help, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the crusty, snowy layer that once dwelled on my roof crashing onto the clean, dark road. So much for my dinosaur theory.

I was given some advice about someone I recently had a 'run in' with, someone that not only caused irritation and frustration because of his actions, but because of the way I had reacted to them as well. It's something I would rather not talk about. Anyway my valiant and wise cousin said the best way to deal with such people is to convince oneself absolutely and completely of one's own superiority and, to quote, awesomeness. Unquote. I decided not to try this particular method. Still I was glad to talk to my cousin. 

It occurs to me that silly things, insecurities and past embarrassments, play far to big a role in our lives. My life. What's so wrong with just liking the person you are now?