PATIENT ZERO IDENTIFIED

This article is sponsored by the Sontag Fels Medical Research Facility, creating a healthy future. To apply to be a test subject visit nomnomnom.cdc.gov

It has been confirmed; Patient Zero was Emaline, a member of the class of 2016. When asked about the research for which Emaline gave her life,

the spokesman at the Sontag Fels Research Facility (SFRF) stated, "To release any such information would be a breach of doctor-client confidentiality...We are doing all that we can to isolate the situation, and staff have made Patient Zero a priority. Right now we all must stay calm and give the authorities the time and freedom they need to address the situation."

While the SFRF and Antioch College have not yet designated a red alert, sources have revealed some details about Emaline’s condition. “It was probably very painful,” said Dr. Savita, expert virologist on the faculty at Antioch College.

The ‘solanum virus,’ known as the zombie virus, presents in three stages. In the first, flu symptoms appear within one to two hours of exposure. The second stage is a coma, wherein the transformation into a so-called “zombie” takes place. In the last stage, the infected awaken and immediately begin what Dr. Savita referred to as “hunting,” feeding off the brains of healthy humans. Dr. Savita confirms that although there is no cure, if the infected do not “feed” within 48 hours they will collapse and no longer be a threat.

The ‘solanum virus,’ known as the zombie virus, presents in three stages. In the first, flu symptoms appear within one to two hours of exposure. The second stage is a coma, wherein the transformation into a so-called “zombie” takes place. In the last stage, the infected awaken and immediately begin what Dr. Savita referred to as “hunting,” feeding off the brains of healthy humans. Dr. Savita confirms that although there is no cure, if the infected do not “feed” within 48 hours they will collapse and no longer be a threat.

 

An anonymous source at the SFRF revealed that the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has been notified and expressed “grave concern” about the situation. The CDC declined comment.

We will continue to bring you the latest news on the outbreak of the 'Solanum Virus' as events progress. In the meantime community members are advised to stay inside and wash their hands frequently, do not share food, drinks or cigarettes, get good rest, stay hydrated and practice good self-care.